Does your public need you? Do you need something to feed their hungry ears? No matter what you need to say, I will help you say it. I will write a speech on any topic, I will write a sermon from any theological position, I will write an atheological antisermon. Anything you need in terms of public speaking, I will provide. All I need are some specifics on topic and audience. Your public needs you.

Do you need a good, constructive, and rigorous discussion? Do you have an opinionated friend or relative who is smart enough to write their ideas down, but not smart enough to agree with you? Do you need material for use in a speech and debate class? You have come to the right place. You choose the topic and which side you would like me to take. Email correspondence on that topic will continue until one side wins or 30 days elapses.

I will make a fully functional language complete with its own unique grammar, syntax, lexicon, and writing system. Useful for communicating privately with friends, keeping a secret journal, distributing for fun and profit, using in a story set somewhere the language might be used, etc. Let me be clear that these are not just ciphers for English. Each is geared for the specifications you lay out, and designed to be as unique as possible.

I have the official title of Reverend in Open Ministry, which gives me access to any and all sacerdotal duties. That includes writing holy texts. I will make a religion about anything, with any doctrine. Afterlife involving heaven and an asparagus-flavored non-heaven? Reincarnative? Cosmic and godless? About a video game? About you? I will build a church for you, and load the text with as much wisdom as I can muster.

Young, optimistic soul free of worry or regret for sale! Multi-religious background, currently faithless and unclaimed. In the event of my passing, you will have full rights to my being (non-corporeal, spiritual, ethereal, and/or metaphysical only. Physical claimed by next-of-kin.) I will send to you a digital contract with clerical backing (I am a minister).

Fiction, nonfiction, about you, about me, love, life, rain, lint, fantasy, historical, scientific, you name it. I will write about anything (and I do mean anything) in any format (under about 3000 words). Just give me some details pertaining to what you want - including type of poem or story, plot, elements, etc. -and I'll provide something scrumptious for you.